Wisdom learned from Swinging Lifestyle

Yes, I call myself a swinger; I’m in the Lifestyle. It is easy to become focused on the fact that your primary partner is enjoying the moment with someone else and be like, “Why aren’t they focusing on me?”

You can get that neurotic little voice in your head telling you, “Why aren’t they with me, why aren’t they trying to focus on me? What is so great about that other person? Am I less than that?” Blah, blah, blah. You can’t let that happen because it’s not about you.

That’s the whole thing. It is the realization of – it’s not all about “me”, regardless of whether it is something good or something bad. It is a wonderful moment to have because it’s totally letting go of ego. And that is vital in getting older and happier, I think.

I am not a jealous person. That finally became very clear to me about 6 months to a year into the Lifestyle. I had it to a great degree before I was in the Lifestyle. I realized that when I have jealousy or issues with what my partner is doing; my partner isn’t trying to poke my buttons or trying to make me feel bad.

I have to deal with and face my own demons with my own insecurities. I have to figure out what it is about myself that I am not liking in this moment, that is making me feel like I am less than what I needed to be for that partner. And that was invaluable, because I’ve applied it, of course, to more than just sexual situations. I feel like I learned that through the Lifestyle.

I’ve run into some amazing couples and some amazing single folks who have learned immense amounts of self-wisdom and wisdom about how to interact with other human beings based on their time in the Lifestyle. If it’s done the right way, it is a spiritual experience. Even if there is no sex involved, it can still be a spiritual experience just because there is a sense of freedom. We are raised to believe that there is that one person for us. And that if they give any of that love somewhere else, other than to a child or another family member, they are taking away from us.

The Lifestyle absolutely reinforces that there is enough for everyone. Yes, you have to focus on your primary partner. That is your responsibility. You have to be respecting and caring and governing of that relationship, and if you are doing that, it is all good. You can care and love and cuddle and do whatever is within the boundaries of your agreement with your primary partner, with anyone that you like and anyone that you have agreed is comfortable. It’s all about setting up your individual boundaries. It requires so much communication that the couples that are involved in it are “spot-on”. If they are good healthy people going into it, it just becomes a fantastic experience. They have to communicate and they also acknowledge how important sex is to their relationship.

One of the things that I have come to realize through the websites that I have been on, is that so many people out there are cheating. I actually have conversations with them sometimes. And I tell them, “I am not going to change your mind, I know that. But I just want you to think about the fact that if you were putting as much energy into supporting and sustaining the relationship that you’re trying to cheat on right now, as you’re doing on this site … you’d probably have a fantastic relationship. And if you were courting your wife as much as you are courting all the women on here – wow!” I’ve actually said all these things to people online. That is the brutally honest part of me.

The wrong reason specifically for getting involved in the Lifestyle is because your marriage is in trouble. The right reason to get involved in the Lifestyle is because you have a strong happy marriage where you want some variation. And you have had comfortable open conversations where both of you are in agreement that it’s something that you want to try. And that it is something you want to pursue as a team, as a solid couple, where you have that strong emotional base and intimacy and contact.

Stephanie, Marketer, 38